


before you

by theleavesoflorien



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 01:37:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10843794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theleavesoflorien/pseuds/theleavesoflorien
Summary: A poem from Even's perspective, set in the period when he had a falling out with his Bakka friends because of his sexuality and attempted to commit suicide.





	before you

**Author's Note:**

> **Trigger warning** : Please note that this poem includes heavy descriptions of depression, anguish, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I'm sorry it turned out so dark and angsty. :( After the mess that was made with Even's backstory in season four, I just felt a need to react and ended up with this very emotional and raw response. 
> 
> The original idea was actually to make a poem series following different stages of Even's life, all revolving around his meeting with Isak. I'll see if I feel inspired to continue it. :)
> 
> Hit me up on [tumblr](http://theleavesoflorien.tumblr.com) if you feel like it! ♡
> 
> P. S. I was listening to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwpMEbgC7DA) on repeat while writing.

before you  
my heart was barren  
  
harsh words  
hissed in anger and disgust  
burned low in my stomach  
slowly setting fire to  
all the hope  
(all the innocence)  
inside me  
and leaving behind  
but the cold ashes  
of what i used to be  
  
nothing left  
but an emptiness  
reaching to the confines  
of me  
of the world  
of everything  
i thought existed  
   
i was naked  
to the gaze of the night  
could feel its claws  
boring into my skin  
and tearing it apart  
   
maybe  
(i thought)  
i should let darkness  
sink into my every pore  
and fill me up to the brim  
   
anything to drown out  
the screaming  
the trembling  
the aching  
suffocating me  
until i gasped for air  
until i gasped for  
                           love  
                      for  
                           the pieces of me left behind  
                      for  
                           something  
                           that can’t be found in this life  
    
i drifted into  
the arms of hatred  
(justified  
and righteous  
and terrible)  
and hoped  
their embrace  
would crush my bones  
   
every line  
staining the pages  
of my faith  
felt like a blow  
(my body was covered in  
their faded blueish kisses)  
and i welcomed  
         each  
          and  
         every  
          one  
           of  
         them  
with a relief   
almost akin  
to joy  
(i knew  
i deserved  
them all)  
   
i took  
the pain  
sharper than a knife  
and cut at myself  
with it   
until my sins  
bled out of me  
in an endless stream  
and the ugliness  
rushing through  
my veins  
became beautiful  
as it escaped  
my body  
   
finally beautiful  
finally free  
finally not a monster  
anymore  
   
when seconds  
became minutes  
                            hours  
                                        days  
                                                  longer than a lifetime  
blows of loathing  
suddenly turned  
into a caress  
(a soft hand on my brow  
a soothing melody whispered  
against my ear)  
their unbearable softness  
sank  deeper than  
any knife ever could  
and plunged  
shivering  
through flesh and bones  
right into my heart  
(what was left of it)  
   
longing  
and regret  
and the echo  
of a love  
big enough to  
embrace the world  
filled up my lungs  
until i was drowning  
in a pain  
inevitable  
overwhelming  
unending  
larger than  
life and death  
   
and i wished  
more than anything  
that an all-encompassing  
darkness  
(darkness  
one can’t escape  
nor come back from)  
had claimed me  
before it was  
too late


End file.
